2) TASHAN leaves black ticket sellers jobless.

3) TASHAN makes JHOOM BARABAR JHOOM look like a classic

4) Do you know that TASHAN was initially named Three men and a Bebo !!!!!!

5) 99 % of the people reading this have not watched TASHAN

6) TASHAN flops Kajol and Ajay celebrate.

7) Even Ram Gopal Verma doesn’t want to remake TASHAN

Yash Chopra went into hiding after the release of TASHAN

9) The best part of TASHAN was the intermission

10) TASHAN has no TASHAN

11) If you want to spent some quality time alone, go watch TASHAN.

12) You know what is the only thing good in TASHAN that gives it an edge over DHOOM 1 & DHOOM 2 , it doesn’t have UDAY CHOPRA in it .

13) Saif , Kareena , Anil and Akshay are still trying to figure out , what is TASHAN actually about !!!!!

14) Stand up comedians refuse to crack jokes on TASHAN , helloooooooooo , you cannot make jokes on a joke.

15) Sanjay Leela Bhansali to remake Sawariya after watching TASHAN

Now all you people reading this , observe a 2 min silence in fond memory of TASHAN !!!!!!!!!

Obvious starcast:
Shah Rukh Khan as the arts teacher (duh duh duh!!).

Aryan Khan as the dyslexic child (even if he could not act for nuts).

Rani Mukerjee as the kid’s mom (assuming Kajol is unavailable).

Abhishek Bachchanas the kid’s dad.

Amitabh Bachchanas the school principal (who cares if the role is ultra minute, he can afford it).

It would be shot in New York to appeal to the NRI audience.

The story line would obviously be different. SRK would fall for the dyslexic kid’s mom. The last scene would have the mom running to the teacher rather than the kid. And again, like in so many other movies, SRK would get someone else’s girl.

It would have one dance number.

The film would be titled ‘Kuch Taare Zameen Par ‘

If Sanjay Leela Bhansali made Taare Zameen Par

Obvious starcast:
Salman as the teacher.

Rani as the mother.

Of course the whole film would be shot on elaborate sets. The school would be nothing short of Harvard University.

An orchestra would play every time anyone cried.

Slow motion, different camera angles for every scene.

The school uniforms would match the classroom walls even though that does not make a f***ing difference.

The film would cost INR 60 crores.

If Farah Khan made Taare Zameen Par

Obvious starcast:
SRK as the teacher (yawn).

In the original TZP, Aamir makes an entry at the interval point. In Farah’s version, SRK would be on screen on for 2.30 hrs out of the 2.45 hrs and would be introduced in the first scene itself.

The story would be changed to make sure the above happened. The focus of the film would be a teacher who helps a kid fight dyslexia.

To make it a complete entertainer, there would be a romantic angle, comedy, and action thrown in. Oh idea!! Nikumbh’s character likes another teacher and the kiddo helps him.. throw in some comedy moments there and you have romance and comedy settled.

For action.. hmm.. lemme see.. oh yah, the kid gets kidnapped and the teacher fights the baddies to save him. Wow!! I’m quite an imaginative writer. I can see how Farahcan write a film from scratch in two weeks straight.

The film posters would have a big SRK with the tiny image of the kid in the background.

If Rakesh Roshan made Taare Zameen Par

Obvious starcast:
Hrithik Roshan as the teacher.

Since Rakesh Roshanc annot think beyond science fiction these days, this film would have that too. Instead of dyslexia, the kid would have alienositis or something, a condition induced due to him witnessing an alien abduction.

Instead of Nikumbh being an arts teacher, he would be a physics teacher, and instead of asking kids to be creative, he would ask them to challenge the science we know.

In the scene where Nikumbh asks the kids to open their minds and make whatever they want outdoors, the kid Ishaan, instead of making a boat, would end up making a working spaceship prototype.

Nikumbh would cure the kids problem by making a full fledged version of the kid’s prototype, traveling to the alien planet, and asking them to give the kid his powers back.

The film would have music by Rajesh Roshan ripped off from some world music.

The film’s name would again start with a K probably ‘Kuch Aliens Taaron se Zameen Par’ .

The director would make sure Hrithik gets to show all his abilities. This would mean a scene with Roshan jr flexing his muscles, and a dance competition in the end, instead of an arts competition.

If Priyadarshan made Taare Zameen Par

Obvious starcast:
Akshay Kumar as the teacher.
Paresh Rawal as the kid’s dad.

It would be a brainless comedy. The kid’s dyslexia would be made fun of. Half the times the parents will be running after the kid from one room to the other and that, in the director’s opinion, would be funny.

The film will be full of sex jokes. So for example, when Akshay would come to the parents telling them that their son has dyslexia, the ignorant father would say something inappropriate like ‘iss umar mein? par kaise, woh to hamesha boys school mein padha hai!’. Andyes, the director would think it is funny.

In the climax of the film all the characters in the film would run around in the amphitheater for no reason, spilling colors on each other. That’s where the film will end, without any logical conclusion.

And of course, Paresh Rawal would emote like an epileptic himself making us question the boy’s mental abilities anyway.

2. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b ) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.

3. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

4. Any court scene will have the dialogue “Objection milord”. If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.

5. The hero’s sister will usually marry the hero’s best friend ( i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

6. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.

7. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss b ) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).

8. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b ) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

9. Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by a) the brothers b ) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) c) the family dog/cat.

10. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories: a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero’s father – killedby the villain before the titles. b ) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying “Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte”, only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector’s daughter is in love with the anti-hero. c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain’s sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.

Collected and collaborated by Hanumant Bhansali

Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan

ON Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bacchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav

C. Azaruddin D. General Perverz Musharaff .

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? ( He is quite sure that Santa will opt
for A)

But Santa is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..50:50 and phone a friend.

Santa: I think it is A, but am not sure.

Amitabh : Not sure… Hmmm ap kya karna chahenge?

Santa : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de..

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.

C. Moh. Azharuddin.

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made
this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must go on.

Now Santa is confused.

Santa: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?

Santa : “Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga….”

Amitabh Fainted !!!!!

And the call is now connected to Jayabachan and listen ……

Santa asked the question to Jaya.

Santa : ” Jayaji , Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan ?

Jaya Bachan: Give me the options!!!!!!

Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear ‘Anamica’:
You must be surprised to receive this ‘Prem Patra’ from me. Let me make my ‘Pahechan’ to you as ‘Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge’. Though I am an ‘Awaara’, I am also your ‘Deewana’.

I am making you a ‘Prarthna’ to enter my ‘Zindagi’ as a ‘Priyatama’. Even though I do not have any ‘Sambandh’ with you, I still consider you as my ‘Dream Girl’ with ‘Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka’. There are only ‘Do Raaste’ left for me. One is to get your love by ‘Tyag’ or to go the ‘Rangeela’ way.

Wouldn’t you like to be ‘Mere Jeevan Saathi’ as you are ‘Lakhon Mein Ek’? I also hope that you will ‘Guide’ me in ‘Bahar’ as we are made for ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye’.

We will live in ‘Naya Zamana’ where we will have a ‘Suhana Safar’. In this ‘Himalay Ki God Mein’, our ‘Bandhan’ is going to be tied with ‘Preet Ki Dor’. I hope that we will have nothing but ‘Anand’ in ‘Ye Dillagi’.

Aren’t you bored of ‘Akele Hum Akele Tum’ life? Let this ‘Baazigar’ be your ‘Boy Friend’ and we start ‘Pehli Mohabbat’. This ‘Chahat’ is going to lead to a ‘Milan’ where you are going to call me everyday for ‘Aao Pyar Karen’.

Now, ‘Phir Kab Miloge’ as ‘Tumse Accha Kaun Hein’? As you know my love is ‘Himalay Se Uncha’ and hopefully our ‘Mulakat’ will be ‘An Evening in Paris’. ‘Aa Gale Lag Jaa’!

‘Hum Aapke Hain Koun…?’
‘Prem Pujari’

DAAN DOONG DUDUNG DAAN DOONG DUDUNG……
NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST US
MOTHER IN LAW
NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST
MOTHER IN LAW

ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY’S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
DAAN DOONG DUDUNG DAAN DOONG DUDUNG……
DONT NOT TAKE OUT SMOKE FROM THE LIPS DONT NOT TAKE OUT SMOKE FROM
THE LIPS THE WORLD IS VERY CROOKED
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY’S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE

NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST
MOTHER IN LAW
ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY’S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE
YEAH YEAH
NOT CRIME
NOT CHAOS
WITHOUT SIN DIED
U CALLED ME IN THE AFTER NOON
TALKED BANGALES
MASKED HIMSELF

BURN THE SMALL STOVE 4M FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER

NOT EVEN KINFE SHAPRPNEES
NOT EVEN PLOUGH OR PLOUGHER
BITE SO THAT IT LEAVE IMPRINTS
THIS CROP ANY FARMER VILL LEAVE
MAKE HOUSE OF CRUEL LIKE THIS CATO (billo)
MAKE HOUSE OF CRUEL LIKE THIS
CRUEL LIKE THIS
CRUEL LIKE THIS
MAKE HOUSE OF CRUEL LIKE THIS

NOT EVEN CALLED ME
NOT EVEN TOLD ME
U WOKE ME UP 4M SLEEP
I DONT KNOW 4M VER THIS FATE CAME
HE CAME NEAR BY MAKING ME EAT CARDAEMOM
BURN THE COAL FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER

AbhishekBacchan: I_can_act_too@yuva.com

AmitabhBacchan: accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv

AnilKapoor: expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com

SalmanKhan: why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.c om

ShahRukhKhan: over_emotions@mostmovies.com

RamGopalVarma: same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in

SunilShetty: hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com

AamirKhan: whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com

AamirKhan(alternateaddress): married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com

SaifAliKhan: goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com

HritikRoshan: main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com

HritikRoshan(alternateaddress): main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com

AjayDevgan: finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com

BobbyDeol: noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com

Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address
is a secret.

Urmila: ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com

MallikaSherawat: I_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com

AmishaPatel: Kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com

KareenaKapoor: oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com

Raveena Tandon: waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com